


in case you don't live forever

by Brokenankles



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Kageyama Tobio, Background Relationships, Boys In Love, Brazil Fling (Haikyuu!!), Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Hanahaki Disease, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio Friendship, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Karasuno Family, Love Triangles, M/M, Mentioned Akaashi Keiji, Mentioned Bokuto Koutarou, Oblivious Kageyama Tobio, One Shot, Pining Oikawa Tooru, References to Depression, Sad Kageyama Tobio, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Separation Anxiety, Short One Shot, Third Year Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29217441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brokenankles/pseuds/Brokenankles
Summary: [Ungoing a rewrite]Stopping at the crosswalk made him realize how unfair the world worked. Kids still played and adults still worked. Flowers still bloomed and rivers still ran. The earth still revolved.Life still went on.Out of the corner of his eye he saw a blur of bright orange and the air was vacuumed out of his lungs. Kageyama was at a standstill as he watched a ginger in all black get into a family-sized, run-down vehicle. Only then did Kageyama remember why he was out here in the first place.](Or, In which Kageyama does not want to experience tomorrow.)
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Kudos: 19





	in case you don't live forever

**Author's Note:**

> I actually struggled with this for months.
> 
> Short one-shot. 
> 
> Will rewrite later since im not happy with how the last half is written.

* * *

The soft sound of classical music filled the house and as Oikawa followed the stairs up to the second story, he noticed small droplets of blood dried onto the surface. His curiosity reached it's peak when colourful flower petals dotted the hardwood of the home and, although scattered, it led right into the guest bathroom. The door sat ajar and the florescent light above was quite dim - almost as if it had busted - so the light haired man squinted at the sudden change in the room.

Sitting within the bleach white tub sat Kageyama. His hair was soaking as the frigid water beat rapidly against head and his clothes clung to every inch of his body. The sound of a pianist hitting keys violently vibrated the whole room and Oikawa covered his ears as he walked over to turn down the speaker while making his way over to the other man.

"Tobio," his voice was brash while keeping a soothing tone, "What are you doing." It was not made to be a question.

The sopping man did not make any noise of acknowledgment. Oikawa might have thought him dead if not for the light way his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm.

As the older man lifted the other's face with his hands gripping on Kageyama's chin, he could see an orange petal hanging off the side of his lips. It was not until then that Oikawa remembered the petals that were astray on the second story - now he noticed they absolutely littered the tub Kageyama occupied. The soft petals latched onto the boy in the tub like leeches and if he thought about it they were profusely worse than leeches.

Kageyama's eyes held a strange combination of emotions when he turned his empty gaze to Oikawa's own, "How do I stop loving someone?" The blue in his eyes were glazed with rainclouds that threatened to fall and flood them both.

"I don't - Tobio, I don't know. Are you alright?" The concern that laced Oikawa's voice must have popped the water balloon in Kageyama's eyes.

The boy shot forward and clutched his hair in an act of distress while a scream was caught in his throat, yet escaped through his clenched teeth. Oikawa withdrew as Kageyama rocked back and forth in an onset panic. As Oikawa tried to mollify the wet boy's arrayed feelings, he took a moment to assess the situation;

Kageyama laid alone in Hinata's home with no appearance of the latter man, covered in a sudden bouts of flower petals, yet the perplexed man saw not one vase in sight.

"Do you believe in soulmates?"

Oikawa was too deep within his own mind that he had not seen Kageyama come to a full halt.

"As I saw him laying peaceful on the bed - I knew. After all these years I could finally give a name to the feeling that has followed me throughout my life." Kageyama's words were almost as bland as his expression was, "It was not something that happens in spurs of the moment, but it was a sick feeling I always had whenever I was around him. It never failed to show itself when he looked at me or when he smiled or even when he had a rough day."

Oikawa listened and as he did his heart began to sink into his stomach when Kageyama continued.

"I love him." The wet boy laughed in disbelief with furrowed brows. "It was love all along. Isn't that fucked up?"

The drier man sucked in his breath and he could see the bricks of Kageyama's world come crashing down at his realization. "Tobio, where's Shouyou?"

"You know, I never really paid much attention to the flower petals when they would just mysteriously appear when he and I hung out together." The blue-eyed boy looked at the faint red stains that coated a tub corner and assumed it was from himself, "He had it, didn't he? Hinata suffered and did not let me in on his little secret and you knew."

The older was taken by surprise when Kageyama pointed a long, slim finger in his direction. The accusation was a bold one, but it was a true one.

"He loved you so much it almost killed him." Kageyama's moist eyes widened when the words spilled from the other man, "Shouyou suffered through it for four years. That's a long run for someone with the disease - we both know that. I found him drowning in his own blood and petals. I begged for him to get the surgery - but he refused. How could a person who doesn't know what it's like to give up - just give up?

It stressed him out. Tobio, Shouyou loved you. There's no doubt about that and you were the only person who did not see it. What were we suppose to do?" Oikawa referred to Bokuto and Akaashi who also knew about the predicament Hinata was in. Brown eyes struggled to hold in a cough as he recollected the many moments he was with the very bright man when he would struggle to breathe past the ever growing flowers.

The blue-eyed man slumped in the tub gazing at the other person in the room with him, but as he watched all he could hear was the classic music that had somehow seemed so aggressive to him. He had been slapped in the face over and over again in the last twenty-four hours so harshly that he had not a clue how to process it all.

"Kageyama, I'm going to ask once more," As he finally paid constant attention to Oikawa he noticed the frantic look in his brown eyes, "Where is Shouyou?"

"I already told you."

* * *

The wind blew cold as Kageyama pulled an old gray turtleneck over his face. As he trudged through the fresh blanket of snow kids giggled and adults passed by slowly. His heart knocked weakly against his dry ribcage and it made his chest hurt. Kageyama clutched it lightly.

Stopping at the crosswalk made him realize how unfair the world worked. Kids still played and adults still worked. Flowers still bloomed and rivers still ran. The earth still revolved.

Life still went on.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a blur of bright orange and the air was vacuumed out of his lungs. Kageyama was at a standstill as he watched a ginger in all black get into a family-sized, run-down vehicle. Only then did Kageyama remember why he was out here in the first place.

As the snow fell gracefully on the bouquet of chrysanthemums that he gripped tightly in his fist, Kageyama's emotional distress was high and he did what the boy usually does when overcome by emotions - he ran.

Kageyama ran as fast as his legs would carry him. The chrysanthemums once in his hands were lost in the wind somewhere. Now his hands clutched his face.

At this exact moment the running boy started started to wonder where it all had gone wrong. Everything was fine. Life was going good - so good - for them. What more could he have asked for? 

"He wanted more. I wanted more." Kageyama gritted coming to a full halt.

They had wanted more.

"I was a coward."

They were both cowards. No moves had been made. Kageyama thought back on all times the sunshine boy had acted strangely only to realize now that they might have been subtle hints. Subtle clues he never picked up. How was he suppose to know.

The way Hinata scooted closer when they were in open spaces. The way pink would stain his skin when Kageyama gave any sort of extra attention to him. The way the orange boy would lightly touch Kageyama's skin - a touch that always sent his skin ablaze. It was the little things that Kageyama cherished, but it was the littler things his never noticed.

In little notice, a nasty cough made its way out and his body shook in its entirety. He gasped for air while his lungs burned when the oxygen hit them. It hurts to breath, it hurts to not breath.

Kageyama wanted to die.

Whole flowers choke him on the way out of his throat. They were bathed in blood and so were his palms as he cradled them gently- almost as if they were not trying to kill him. Delicately, large hands lifted them to his face and Kageyama looked at them with a haunted expression. The orange petals bore into his soul.

This was real.

In a manic motion, Kageyama tried to shove them back into his mouth while chanting "No no no no no." Almost religiously. In the end, he dropped to the ground and let his face be buried in the fresh, fluffy snow. Not caring about the probability of pneumonia and frostbite.

"You cannot leave me alone." Kageyama spoke with a sob, "Don't leave me alone. Don't you dare leave me alone." The words clawed out from behind gritted teeth.

"You should be here."

* * *

_"Kageyama." A usually cheerful voice greeted and the owner came from around the corner of the small apartment. It was a quaint place that the two shared with Yamaguchi and it definitely was not something that any of them usually complained about as there was enough living space for all three to coexist comfortably. If there was ever a reason that anyone was angry with another resident, which was quite a rare event, they had their own vicinity to stew._

_The fellow male watched as the taller of the two laced up his shoes, "Why are you just standing there, dumbass?"_

_"Are we going somewhere?"_

_"Of course." Hinata could hardly contain the buzzing excitement that grew at the opportunity to spend quality time with his favorite grouchy being. As he trudged to his room a cough wrecked his body hard enough to strain his lungs._

_Hinata stared at the blue petals that spewed over his hands with tears in his eyes. This had been going on for years and he had managed it just fine. Yet, as of late, it started to worsen._

_The sunshine boy did not want to theorize why._

_Instead, he stepped on the petals and walked over to his wardrobe. Pulling a worn, oversized gray turtleneck over his head he thought about the Christmas he had received it as a gift from Kageyama. Of course the blue-eyed boy did not know what to get him, but the two also did not realize that it would become such a constant between them. When Hinata did not have it on - Kageyama did. Thus, the specific article of clothing had become important to both of the boys._

_The memories flashed through Hinata's head as he hugged the shirt tightly. He had not washed it since he stole it back from Kageyama, so it still smelled faintly like him. It was not dirty, so he would not feel so gross as to have it on._

_"Aye, Hinata."_

_"Coming!" Hinata had been feeling unwell for weeks, but as he walked out of his room and Kageyama's eyes ran from the turtleneck to Hinata's face - suddenly he felt so wonderful._

_To Hinata's surprise Kageyama had taken him out to dinner. It was not fancy, but it warmed the smaller man's heart and eased the flowers in his body._

_"You don't have to feel sad about doing something for yourself, ya know." Kageyama looked up at the sky and watched as dark clouds covered the moon and the starlight barely penetrated through._

_Where was this coming from?_

_"That's why you've been sick. I can tell."_

_Oh._

_Hinata glanced up at his walking partner and smiled fondly up at him. He was at a loss for words. Nothing would come out and he did not think he wanted anything to. Hinata had done so good not to cry this whole time; sure - he knew it was foolish to cry as he was the one doing it to himself, but he was at a fork in the road. To better himself he needed to do this. Not for him, but for them._

_Droplets of rain raced from the sky and pelted the two men. They stood dumbfounded for a moment as they realized there was nowhere to take shelter._

_"Here - come here." Hinata took a shaky breath and extended his hands to the questioning boy. Kageyama just shoved his hands in his pockets and did not move from the spot he was in._

_"Fine," With his arms spread wide, Hinata let the rain dance on his body and with a soft tone he continued, "Sometimes I think about how you and I always seem to revolve in the same space. You're always pulling me into your own gravity and I think for once I'd like to pull you in, Kageyama."_

_The meaning of the sentence was lost to the black haired boy, but they weighed heavy on Hinata's heart. The words were true and as he finished speaking them into existence Kageyama wrapped him in a warm embrace. It was meant to comfort him, but all it did was cause salty tears to mix with the cold rain._

_"You don't have to go."_

_It was barely a whisper next to his ear._

* * *

_Brazil was not what Hinata had imagined._

_It was beautiful._

_The people were lovely._

_The sights were extraordinary._

_The volleyball was awesome._

_The only thing Brazil lacked was a certain boy with a certain scowl and a certain shade of blue._

_Most days Hinata was able to practice without his lungs acting up and most days he succeeded in sleeping._

_Yet, sleep soon became a distant memory. Anxiety frequented him often and nights were spent cradling himself in a corner wishing to sleep._

_Kageyama always made sure to call Hinata daily, but the calls seemed to grow shorter and shorter during the nights and it was due to Hinata not wanting the other to know the secrets he kept behind closed doors. He never wanted Kageyama to learn that sleep didn't come naturally to him anymore and that resulted in sluggish movements and baggy eyes. He did not want him to know that he tried everything in his power to get stupid blue eyes out of his head._

_Kageyama couldn't know that hid blue eyes were temporarily replaced with brown eyes on days that it got bad._

_Kageyama could not know that Hinata was experiencing lovesickness and unrequited love at the same time._

_The night was dark and the soft touches of a piano filled his mind as he huddled closer in a nested corner of his bed willing sleep to hit him. Petals surrounded him as his chest heaved slightly from the construction of his body. Out of the corner of his eye he looked at his cellphone which was patiently waiting on the nightstand._

_Without thinking, he dialed the ever familiar numbers etched in his brain and listened to the ring._

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_Of course he's asleep. It was a stupid idea to even try and reach him at this time._

_"Hina?"_

_The groggy voice lifted the corners of Hinata's mouth._

_"I'm sorry for calling so late." A cry overtook his body. It was early for Kageyama and he had obviously woken him up._

_The hasten rustle of fabric could be heard through the phone, "Why are you crying?"_

_"I don't," he began, but revised his almost-words, "I love it here. It's beautiful. But I miss Japan so much. It has everything that Brazil doesn't." The statement hung in the air and Hinata hid his cough behind his sobs._

_"You're doing so good, Shouyou. Japan loves you so much and it will be here when you return. There's no need to rush."_

_Hinata knew Kageyama was not good at words - but the sound of his name slipping past the other man's lips hurt his heart._

_"I think I am being a little selfish."_

_"It's alright to be selfish."_

_The two boys talked for hours until Hinata fell asleep with the other still on the line. Kageyama would not admit it to anyone, but the gentle sounds of Hinata sleeping warmed his heart and lulled him onto a deep, peaceful slumber._

* * *

"It was too soon."

"He didn't tell anyone."

"If anyone had known he was struggling his this, we would have stopped him from going."

Kageyama could hear the words around him, but he didn't understand.

All his attention was on the casket that laid before him.

Hinata's body laid inside it.

Kageyama wished he could share the space with him as he watched the dirt get poured over the box.

The orange petals that glided to the ground had two sources. Kageyama wondered why the flowers in his hand wilted, but maybe it was fitting for the day.

He soon realized that everyone had already left the cemetery. The terrible ache in his chest made him stumble to the ground where he sit next to the soft textured dirt. Kageyama realized he would spend the rest of his time here and the cough that wrecked his body made him think that he would soon have a spot next to the once warm body in the ground.

It's never easy to have your heart be buried right before you.

Kageyama smiled in the thought that Hinata would smack him as soon as they saw each other again. If dying was what it took to feel his touch and see his bright smile again - Kageyama would welcome it.

The time seemed slow as he sat there, but he soon learned that off to the side Iwazumi and Oikawa were next to a trash can. Kageyama watched as hands soothed circles on Oikawa's back. Everyone had surely had a hard time accepting the day and Kageyama eyed the orange petals that leaked out of the trashcan as the two started to walk away.

Kageyama wondered if he had seen Oikawa with a bouquet of flowers, but could not recall. The blue-eyed boy did not let the thought linger much longer.

Kageyama closed his eyes.

Tomorrow seemed to be ripped off of his calendar.

The sun did not shine as bright and the blue sky cried in its wake.  
  


* * *

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Stan an OK story.


End file.
